What in the world am I doing?

How often do photography blogs get really deep and personal? I feel like I do it a smidge too often, but it’s 9am and I’m feeling some kind of way. So here we go (again).

There are a couple things in my life that I know to be one-hundred percent true. I love photography. I love making beautiful images. My family is the most important part of my life. Foo Fighters are always gonna stay #1 in my book. The sun will rise tomorrow (funny enough, this is the only one I paused about).

That list feels very finite. I know that there is an end to that list, and it’s very close to the beginning. What doesn’t feel so finite is the list of things that I have absolutely no idea about. What is my end game? Will I be able to succeed wholeheartedly in photography? Where does the inspiration go? What in the world am I doing?

I feel like the only way to give myself peace of mind is to somehow invent a time machine!

Lately, my little inspiration well has gone dry. That happens, I know, and it’s totally normal, I know. But, taking a step back and realizing that the last photo I created was sometime in late mid March, it begs the question on how that reflects on me as an artist? Are we not supposed to push ourselves? Are we not supposed to break through creative blocks? I know the answer. You know the answer. My cats know the answer.

But, the real question is why? Why haven’t I forced myself to sit down and make horrible things until they turn out good? Why does this pattern continue on in my life? If you want things to happen, you have to get up from your desk, bed, and take action to do it. But why does the thought of that make me want to do nothing more but bury myself deeper under the covers?

The answer takes me to something that Brooke Shaden talks about a lot, and that’s fear. In truth, I’m scared about a lot of things. Failure, drowning, not receiving feedback on something whether it’s good or bad, embarrassing myself, giving too much without anything being brought back. But the thing I continually have to keep reminding myself (as I so often like to remind others) is that fear will get you nowhere.

I am scared of change. I am scared of things that require dedication. I am scared of big projects. The problem with all of those fears is that those are fears that keep you from starting the things you’re scared of. I truly believe that we are creatures of habit. Anything new is daunting. What I need to be doing is accepting these fears and taking them head on. An old friend of mine was scared of heights, then went sky diving and it hasn’t bothered him since.

So the answer to the question of: What in the world am I doing? Is nothing. I am doing nothing, and it’s because I’m scared.

A couple of weeks ago I made a list of things I wanted to do daily that would make me feel like a better person as a whole. I made a little calendar that I could check off my progress with. What was supposed to be about a week into it, I shared with my mom that I couldn’t seem to force myself to check off any of the days simply because I didn’t feel that I did everything I was supposed to. She told me that change takes time. Implementing new habits takes time, and to take it slowly.

That, it seems, is my solution to this whole big mess. A slow progress into figuring things out, changing myself for the better, and learning to face my fears. All very good things!

So right now, as I feel very tired and going back to sleep sounds like an incredibly attractive idea, I will not. But instead I will really think about what to gradually do to get myself out of this rut and back to feeling so inspired and creative I feel like I might bust at the seams.

Spread love today. xoxo


3 responses to “What in the world am I doing?

  1. I can relate! I think we all go through times where we feel unproductive. I really admire your honesty because alot of people hide the fact that they struggle. As long as your desire to be great remains, your eyes are set on doing more, and your heart is truly into it, you will get back to making yourself more efficient. By the way, your work is great, don’t ever doubt whether it’s good enough. People see your work and come to you because they love YOUR photos. Have a great day Ellie! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Mutual Motivation (I’m doing something). | Sweet Tea and The Human Element·

  3. Pingback: A confused voice. | Sweet Tea and The Human Element·

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