What’s stopping me?

Maybe a week or so ago, I was laying down and talking to my boyfriend about how there’s an ideal “me” that for some reason, I can’t seem to be. I can see her in my head, and I feel like it’s completely possible when I’m laying in bed at night. But when I try, it feels like it will never happen. I am who I am, it seems. A girl who is scared of public speaking, of tooting her own horn (sometimes), of rejection, so on and so forth.

This thought has been stuck in my head since I watched one of Brooke Shaden’s new White Wall Wednesday videos, and I realized how effortless it is for her to speak to an audience, or on a smaller scale, speak to a camera. This has always scared me. When I was little, I developed a lisp and when I get nervous it sometimes pops back up. When I get in front of a camera or an audience, I get nervous and therefore a whole slue of problems ensue!

Now, this doesn’t mean I’m not happy with who I am. But again, as Brooke Shaden always says, there should always be a drive to be better. I am good with photography, I do continue to do things that scare me. The only problem I see with my personal growth from the last ~5 years is that the beautiful, confident, effortless Ellie I see in my own mind hasn’t fully come out yet.

And well, why the hell not?

I’m one of those people that loves season change – especially when it means that the disgusting aspects of the summer finally die off :). I live for it. Technically, it’s already fall, but does it feel like that here in Austin? No. True autumn for me doesn’t begin until October 1st. The last three or four years, I’ve had pretty incredible October 1st’s. This year, as far as I know, I’ll be teaching, going and getting some bathroom supplies, dropping off my brother at the train station, and babysitting. Already a good day! But, I decided to make it even better.

From the beginning of this blog, I haven’t been afraid to share my personal journey, my struggles, my fears. I’m continuing that trend through the month of October. Every day, I will make a video/photo duo. The video, to help (force) me to get over the fear of speaking in front of a camera. The photo, to help me create, along with giving the video a purpose.

Prepare yourselves for a month of watching me taking photos clumsily, coming up with concepts, and the first couple of videos of me being visibly uncomfortable.

But, without pushing the bounds of your comfort zone, there would never be growth. I’m hungry for the person I strive to be. The end of the year is realistically approaching, and I refuse to end another year with any kind of remorse.

Spread love. xoxo

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